Future Oscar Predictions (Foolish Edition)

While some might say it’s incredibly early to be predicting the next Academy Awards winners when this year’s show just happened, but I think this time around it’s a special case.

The 96th annual Academy Awards, once again hosted by “comedian” Jimmy Kimmel (He/Him), will be unlike any other because it’ll be graced with the presence of Madame Web.

Now, I know my review on it was relatively unsavory, mean even if you want. However, I’m a reformed man. My eyes have been opened and I can truly see the light, kind of like how people in Dune get blue eyes, except for this I get web-like cataracts (a side-effect of subjecting yourself to Madame Web more than once). Forget about every harsh thing I’ve ever said about the movie, I’m a hack, this movie is actually Sony’s best yet.

Anyways, it’s only fitting that the movie about someone who can see the future would be the one I can envision winning that Oscar. Did I say that singularly? I mean every Oscar.

You naysayers might be frowning and retorting with “Um what about the foreign film category?” Well, you see, thanks to the film having a portion taking place in the Amazon rainforest, last I checked wasn’t in the United States, would make it count as a foreign film.

My hypothetical audience might also try to argue that it can’t win Best Short since it’s too long. Hah, well when this film is eventually split up into twenty Tik Toks, it’ll be winning that Oscar.

I don’t even want to hear anyone try to claim it can’t win Best Actress, because when Dakota Johnson (She/Her) said, “He was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died.” I basically broke down in tears, sobbing so loudly in the movie theater that they had me forcibly removed by nearly half of their staff. Inconsolable, really.

I’ll have to admit, it can’t really win Best Original song so I guess I’ll give it to Winnie-The-Pooh: Blood And Honey 2. That’s real, by the way, I had to clean my glasses put eyedrops in when I saw that existed.

Staff Writer | + posts

One of my earlies memories was watching stories unfold on a small TV in my room. Ever since then, I've always wanted to become a filmmaker to put stories of my own onto all manner of screens. Being a fan of writing alongside this has also led to my love of writing analysis/reviews on the things I view. It's a joy to share to others my thoughts and insights on media.

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