You can kiss your lucrative meal plans goodbye! Just this morning it was reported that every university across America would be gifted their very own FLDSMDFR! This machine is best known for its iconic appearance in Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs, a movie that has proved helpful to NASA scientists in replicating and producing said machine! When asked how it felt to be one-upped by NASA, SpaceX owner Elon Musk answered “when did you get here? Get out right now, before I call the cops.” We will take that as a no comment.

Students, who often have complaints about the dining options on campus, now have a new option to find a problem with! I know many cannot wait to take their grievances against the FLDSMDFR to Yik Yak! Too bad no higher faculty and staff actually read those posts. However, you wouldn’t know that from the way students enthusiastically post, expecting to see campus-wide change.

In just the past week, students have been going outside more, enjoying the option of no longer having to wait for food robots, or haul themselves for an unfortunate five-minute walk to their nearest dining hall! We have seen an issue with food becoming bigger and bigger, however.

The FLDSMDFR has already caused severe damage to BSU buildings and is terrorizing many students. The Wellness Center has had an uptick in students reporting that they have been concussed by various fruits cascading from the sky and hitting them in the head during the morning breakfast period. Grab your umbrellas folks!

Woodward hall, known for its longest tenure here as a dorm hall, has been almost completely destroyed on the outside by gigantic steaks that fell during dinner time. BSU, who is known for their amazing res-life support, has stated all Woodward residents have been relocated to the Gates House. Hope y’all enjoy a good full dorm sleepover!

When questioned by student reporters on why they did not fix the giant-food bug that was in the movie, NASA scientist (yes that is their real name), simply stated “who are you and how the h*ll did you get in my house?” Unfortunately, our questioning was cut short when NASA scientist began throwing things at us.