Weekly horoscope

Kevin Burke
Content Editor

Aries

Today you will discover the first ever time machine, and despite your initial hesitation, you decide to go back to the 1980’s, where you immediately take over the rap game.

Taurus

Taurus’ beware! You’ll want to stay away from all belly-buttons today. No exceptions.

Gemini

Now’s the best time to buy a new washer/dryer combo at Washer World! Come down to 33 Washington Ave. in Taunton. Don’t let time run out!

This has been a paid advertisement by Washer World.

Cancer

Nothing’s going to happen today. You’ll eat some food, do a little homework, nothing crazy. I think one of the Kardashians will probably do something, so there’s that I guess.

Leo

You will be turned down by a supermodel today, but don’t let it get you down, she’s just a poser.

Virgo

Today’s the day you’ll finally tell someone how much you really like Nickelback, and you’ll instantly regret it.

Libra

Your dog’s gonna die today. Bye, Rufus!

Scorpio

Remember, fantasy football is fun, but you’re still going to die alone.

Sagittarius

Today’s the day that you will finally forget about that “edible toilet paper” idea that you thought was so great. It isn’t.

Capricorn

Make sure to bring an umbrella today, it’s going to be a rainy one out there!

Aquarius

No need for an umbrella, because today will be 100% sunshine! The guy who wrote “Capricorn” doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.

Pisces
Whatever you do, absolutely don’t read The Comment today, especially the horoscope section. Otherwise, you’ll have 25 years of non-stop bad luck that will make you wish you were never born! Also, bedbugs.

Kevin Burke is the Content Editor of The Comment. Follow him on Twitter, @Ke7inBurke.

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