Weekly horoscope
Kevin Burke
Content Editor
Aries
Today you will discover the first ever time machine, and despite your initial hesitation, you decide to go back to the 1980’s, where you immediately take over the rap game.
Taurus
Taurus’ beware! You’ll want to stay away from all belly-buttons today. No exceptions.
Gemini
Now’s the best time to buy a new washer/dryer combo at Washer World! Come down to 33 Washington Ave. in Taunton. Don’t let time run out!
This has been a paid advertisement by Washer World.
Cancer
Nothing’s going to happen today. You’ll eat some food, do a little homework, nothing crazy. I think one of the Kardashians will probably do something, so there’s that I guess.
Leo
You will be turned down by a supermodel today, but don’t let it get you down, she’s just a poser.
Virgo
Today’s the day you’ll finally tell someone how much you really like Nickelback, and you’ll instantly regret it.
Libra
Your dog’s gonna die today. Bye, Rufus!
Scorpio
Remember, fantasy football is fun, but you’re still going to die alone.
Sagittarius
Today’s the day that you will finally forget about that “edible toilet paper” idea that you thought was so great. It isn’t.
Capricorn
Make sure to bring an umbrella today, it’s going to be a rainy one out there!
Aquarius
No need for an umbrella, because today will be 100% sunshine! The guy who wrote “Capricorn” doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about.
Pisces
Whatever you do, absolutely don’t read The Comment today, especially the horoscope section. Otherwise, you’ll have 25 years of non-stop bad luck that will make you wish you were never born! Also, bedbugs.
Kevin Burke is the Content Editor of The Comment. Follow him on Twitter, @Ke7inBurke.
